My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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