I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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