You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
