I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
