nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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