wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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