I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
