everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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