Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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