I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
