I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
