I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
