we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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