she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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