I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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