Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
