break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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