I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
