I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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