This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
