Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The beer is more important than you right now.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
