it wasn't lemon gatorade
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
