is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
