Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
