worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
