If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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