I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
