im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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