Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
