Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
