My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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