I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
