Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
