Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
