There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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