R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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