Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
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your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
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Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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