this boner is exhausting
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Randomize
