Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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