Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
