he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
