Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
