It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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