she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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