i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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