in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
