So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Randomize
