Where are you?
In a non slutty way
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
