i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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