Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
