I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
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