Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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