Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
