make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
