well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
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