I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
