I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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