What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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