Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
