kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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