so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have tasted many bathrooms
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
