I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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