something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
