She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
